Today I visited my Lolo’s grave. I know it’s a bit late, but I made this tradition of visiting the dead a day after, I started 2 years ago. Not trying to be a kill-joy here but aside from the cramped cemetery, the noise, and dating-scenario some people/teens are doing there, I decided to make a change. Wow, I sound like an old man, eh!
Seriously, I took advantage of the silence the place offered me. I lit a candle prayed and I talked to him like he was still here. First, I told him, “thank you”. I told him I am thankful that he gave me a dad who understands and even though we’re not that close, he knows what I’m going through, and that’s enough for me. And then I said “I’m sorry” that I failed, that I gave it a shot, that I tried. That I’m trying to be strong, that I’m not really afraid of what will happen if I fail and that I’m more afraid of failure itself.
I told him I made two great friends the past semester. One is been there since first year. The one who’s with me all the time when I shitted on all the things I did. That reminded me always that I will make it through, that I can stand up and dusk them off. That told me when I was broken into pieces that someone out there will soon pick them up for me, a piece of me as a lost puzzle, more genuine and more interesting, the one who will complete me. I told my Lolo that this friend is like a brother to me and will always have my infinite respect, as a friend and as a person who stands on what he believes.
The other one, is the one I didn’t expected to get along with. She’s “masungit” and all, but I saw her true self as time goes. She’s the type that you will defend when she’s bullied, a lil’ sister I never had. If you’re not close to her, and you tease her, it will backfire to you. But if you’re close to her and you tease her, she rather hurts herself, making scratches on her forearm. I know she cares for me and I really appreciate all the times we’re together. I told my Lolo of how she got through an accident and how she surpassed the trauma and pain it caused her.
I guess I never said thanks to both of them. I was not able to say sorry as well. And that they are one of the few reasons why did I still go to school at that time. I never told them of how much I will miss them both, that I will not be able to cook them pasta or share my peanutbutter-jello sandwich. I hope I made a mark on them as well and say that they made a difference on my perspective.
I also told my Lolo the condition of my family. The great incoming wedding, my sister working abroad and that she’s praying for him as well, my other brother who’s doing great, my 3 Labrador pups, my mom’s incoming retirement, my dad being hard-headed to have his bimonthly checkup and my-so-called quest.
I didn’t notice how time goes and how fast the candle melted, and its getting dark soon. I bid my farewell to my Lolo and told him I will see him on his birthday. I prayed again and as I set foot off the cemetery, I felt light inside and it was a release…