Monday, March 17, 2008

03.17.85

If you will ask me to describe and chronicle my life for the past year, it was more than a rollercoaster. So much happened this year that a hundred words cannot express it. For most of you, a year always starts on January; it’s befitting after all, those family reunions, firecrackers and traditions set since time unmemorable. Its different on my case, a weirdo like me celebrates a new year every time I celebrate my birth. It’s like a first breathing of air again; a deep kind of one.

Why did I describe it as a rollercoaster? It’s just how I felt. Long, a never ending rise and fall, but last year the loops were more unforgettable and every time it rises, there’s a difficulty of climbing up and when it goes down it’s steeper than before.


When I was a kid, I dreamt of being where I am now; a medical student, pursuing a very noble and respected career. I dreamt of fitting the shoes of my Godfather, dreaming of helping my family; health wise and financial wise. I dreamt of having my own family, the one’s I will take care of and work hard for. But I never dreamt of what is yet to come… until I was here. This place, that I thought would hone me to be a better person and better physician. I never expected the hardships and the sacrifices I will give up. I never expected that in some ways it will change my attitude. I never expected that I have to change things about me to become what I want.


I failed, I stood up, and I continue to rise… summing up what really happened this year. I knew before that it will be difficult, I’ve been warned… but it never occurred to me that it will end up like that, it got messy, uncontrollable and I failed. I repeated the subjects but the stigma of repeating it made me feel worst. The people around me made it worst. I realized my skin is not as tough as I thought.


On a different perspective, I surrendered my heart again, once again to that person. We met, we dine, and I assumed a lot. For the nth time I thought that this was it, she’s the one… again… Until I knew she has someone else. I felt ugly and humiliated. It was like slap… another failure on my list. I thought I will never recuperate. After a week or two I was hospitalized. I felt so sick and vomited for 12 hours. I was misdiagnosed. At least for a while, feeling sick made me feel good; I wasn’t thinking and feeling anything aside from dizziness and body weakness. I was numb.


There were more events I wanted to write, but it’s too personal and family related. Those events that changed me and tested me, I became moody and easily annoyed. I changed into a person that I didn’t know. I became hard and harsh to the people around me. I became hard to myself. Some of my friends were surely irritated to my sudden change. They cannot understand a thing since I do not share.


There were times I questioned myself if I really wanted this and if I really fitted here. I asked myself if all of these were worth my time and my sacrifices. I was lost. I even lost enthusiasm and got tired of being myself, cause some people think I’m okay, yet deeply I wasn’t. I was fooling everyone. I even fooled myself. That’s how twisted I got.


I resort and cope into a different world. I met other people, shared thoughts and opinions. These people really helped me recover. Blogging is my anxiety relief. And I thank most of you, for helping me. Blogging is my escape to the real world. A world I wish really existed. I was longing to talk to someone outside this reality. It’s my turn to be heard and I wanted people take time to listen and read what I wanted to say. And most of you helped me... Thank you co-bloggers!=]


After so much thinking, reflecting and praying, I reconnected to my family, I reconciled to my friends. I talked to my closest friend in high school and college. Little by little, all is well again. I’m still striving at some subjects but I guess a little more push and prayers will help.


Six months after, I met someone. I was so stupid because she’s been here for a long time and it took me a lot of time to realize that. I know we’re not yet together but at least every time I come back from school I look forward to someone. I look forward of seeing and talking to her every day. I look forward of sharing my life again and listening to hers. When I see her, I see what I want to be. I see my life in a different outlook. I can see I will be better and be more hopeful. Suddenly I can see more.


Relating to a movie that I watched, I am living in a world where if you did something wrong, you’ll be scrutinized and be mortified. And when you do something right, you don’t expect a job well done or a pat on your back, you’ll still get same treatment. What you need to do is progress and embrace changes, do not rant and whine (maybe just a little). Based from experience, when you’re put into a situation like this, just let it pass through your other ear, not letting it reach your mind and your heart. I only blame myself to the things that happened and I believe there were great reasons why it did. Also you’ll realize you have a family that supports you and loves you. And great friends which I always tell them how easy things could be if they were here.

Twenty two years had passed and I’m still here building and aiming for my dreams. Some things may have changed but the kid who’s been dreaming is still the same kid now. I may pass through a lot of tribulations but I know it’s not yet over. There’ll be more things to happen, things that will try and test me again.


To be honest, I’m really looking forward for another year as another start. Maybe this year will be better or it may be worst, I don’t know. But I am hopeful and ecstatic at the same time I’m nervous and a bit cynical. Weird huh?


This description is more than a hundred.=]


Now I’m 23 and I’m ready!


Wish me luck…


Cheers!

30 comments:

towr said...

Wish you all the best. Matutupad din 'yang mga dreams mo. take it easy; slow but wise move..

anyway, magkaAge na pala tayo ngayon. but i'll be turning 24 this year. huhuhu

let's celebrate life! enjoy!

Holy Kamote said...

wohohoy! marso ka din pala. hapi berdey pareng cedeux.

wish ko sana matupad wish mo.

dak said...

that was a moving piece... hay... we'll get through all these! all the hardwork and sacrifices we're going through, will soon bear its fruits! just wait... because patience is the virtue! aryt?

ill see you at the crossroad! we might end up working together you knoe! hehehe...

btw, i still have 5 remaining exams... 1 for nao, 3 for tomorrow and compre on wed. hay... i want this to be over... parang ke bagal ng oras... huhuhu...

oops! forgot, happy birthday! libre! hehehe...

is this post breaking the hiatus status? LOL

Phoenix said...

Blogging does the same for me.. but isn't it cool how you see yourself grow? = )

Enjoy your day!

my-so-called-Quest said...

@towr - salamat din sa pagdaan=]
kuya pala kita. hehehe


@cedeux- salamat pareng HK.
belated din sau. mga march certified cutie pie e. hehehe

my-so-called-Quest said...

@docDak - salamat po. yup... i know will be one of the best out there=]

ingats ka plagi and Galingan mo sa exams. lam ko kaya mo=]

@thad - salamat din sa pagdaan. yep, ngaun ko lang naappreciate ung mga pinagdaaanan. in a way they helped a lot.

amicus said...

happy birthday! :)

kurisujae said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CED!
kuya mo nga pala ako.hehe.

goodluck sa studies, kay cath, sa family at sa lahat ng future plans mo!

enjoy ur day pare...

Coldman said...

Ced,

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to you!

More blessings and journeys!
Effort "to ah!

Anonymous said...

Grabe. 23 ka na. Happy Birthday talaga! Tsk.




Asan blowout? Hehehehe. More Bdays to come! Godbless!


.noime.

aleli said...

oi oi..happy bday!! late na ata pagbati ko sau!! wehehe...

Saminella said...

heyhey!



















heypibday! mwah.

FerBert said...

ang tanda mo na kuya..

konti na lang malapit
ka ng mag asawa...

di ko muna binasa
bukas ko na lang babasahin..

may amats pa kase ako
breakfast ko, lunch saka dinner
ko kanina alak lang...
kawawang liver...
sinecelebrate ko din kase bday mo..
hahahaha..

alam mo naman ikaw
pinakaclose ko dito
sa blogsophere
lahat na ata nasabi ko na sayo
mula sa mga nakakahiyang echos ko
hanggang sa pagmamayabang ko...

gudlak sa buhay, karir, sa lablayp, saka ahem ahem ahem.. sekslayp.. Isingit na rin naten yung faith mo kay God..

ang utol mong hilaw-> FerBert

Carl said...

koya, sobra akong naantig sa mga pinagdaanan mo. i could just imagine how strong you are now having been thru all of that.

iyong mga bagay na hindi mo na minention kase personal, ang weird pero parang alam ko. parang naiintindahan ko. hindi mo man itinuloy, basta, naiintindihan ko. and if u have troubles and u need to talk abt them and no one seems to be there, u just tell me, aight? isang cbox mo lang, reply agad ako.

anyway, on your birthday, i wish you less troubles. it's time that the stars in the sky conspire with one another to give you more luck, love, and prosperity. besides, they say this is a lucky year, and if there's one person who deserves that luck most, it has to be you. precisely because you are a good person. and i believe in you.

weirdo ba na ang gaan ng loob ko sau? para ka kasing yung favorite pinsan ko e. pareho kayo magparating ng nararamdaman, gaya ng pagsusumbong mo minsan sa blog mo abt how u feel, ganun. haha!

again, happy birthday. i miss being here doc! ^_^ tc.

KRIS JASPER said...

Happy Bday!

I could feel ur honesty and openness in that post... really nice.

Good luck sa inyo. Sana u grow old together.

cedeux said...

@amicus - salamat po sa pagdaan at pagbati=]

@kuyakurisujae - salamat din po sa pagbati. Kuyang kuya nga kita. hehehe. ingats po

cedeux said...

@kuyacoldman -wow songer ka pla! hehhhe. sana live dba? special request sana. hehehhe.

salaamt kuyacold. ingats palagi.

@noi - lil sis n blog. salamat uli ha. smile lang lagi=]

cedeux said...

@aleli - madam, salamat sa pagdaan at pagbati ha.

@sami - salamat!=]
nattawa pa rin ako pag naiisip si eugene domingo. hahahhah

hey jack!

hey!

heypi birthday!


hhahhaha!

cedeux said...

@ferbert - utol, salamat din s mga kulitan at gaguhan natin. hehehe
kaw din madami kna alam sakin, kaya sayo ko una magtatago e. lol

pero seryoso, salamat sa pakikinig.
ingats palagi at wag makakalimot dahil .com kna. heheheh

cedeux said...

@carl - salamat po ng maraming marami ha. nakakaconnect k pla buhay ko. siguro kambal tau? aheheh

pero seryoso salamt carl salmat. ikaw ingats ka plagi at alagaan si jowa. hehe.

@kuyakris - slamat din po ng marami ha. inagts ka jan. Godbless sa parating mong exam=]

Dakilang Tambay said...

matutupad yan mk! kaw pa!

ay si lola! :) ang cute mo talga nung bata ka pa.. sana bata kana lang! haha

roerure said...

nasabi na ata nilang lahat. haha.
happy birthday!

dak said...

you're tagged!

http://dacrocyte.blogspot.com/2008/03/taggy-tag-tag.html

Dakilang Tambay said...

sabi na nga, bday mo.. :) hahaha.. belat.. nabati kita sa text e..

kai said...

with your dreams, views and goals in life, im sure you'll reach that doc.

goodluck with everything you do!

PS:
namiss ko kayo. tagal ko naglaho sa blogosphere. hehe.

wanderingcommuter said...

hey hampey bewtdey, mas matanda ka apa pala sa kin. pero buwan lang naman.
naku ang tawag daw jan ay quarter life crisis!!! haaay, i could relate. there are times in which, you want to do more and fulfill more things kaso for some reasons ang hirap...oh well, everything has its right time and right place. just keep on believing!

my-so-called-Quest said...

@mia - salamat! congrats sau ulit ha=]

@arjay - hirap itype new name mo. hehehe. salamat sa pagbati=]

my-so-called-Quest said...

@kai - tnx po ng marami. i'll check your blog right after. we definetely missed you too=]

@wanderingcommuter - salamat sa pagbati. kuya mo pla ko. heheheh
i hope i'll move on immediately in this crisis.=(

my-so-called-Quest said...

@doc dak - i'll answer your tag later=]

chase / chubz said...

i wish i could say the same for my life.. never ridden a rollercoaster pa. :)

anyway, blogging is the best medicine. buahahahah