03.17.85

If you will ask me to describe and chronicle my life for the past year, it was more than a rollercoaster. So much happened this year that a hundred words cannot express it. For most of you, a year always starts on January; it’s befitting after all, those family reunions, firecrackers and traditions set since time unmemorable. Its different on my case, a weirdo like me celebrates a new year every time I celebrate my birth. It’s like a first breathing of air again; a deep kind of one.

Why did I describe it as a rollercoaster? It’s just how I felt. Long, a never ending rise and fall, but last year the loops were more unforgettable and every time it rises, there’s a difficulty of climbing up and when it goes down it’s steeper than before.

When I was a kid, I dreamt of being where I am now; a medical student, pursuing a very noble and respected career. I dreamt of fitting the shoes of my Godfather, dreaming of helping my family; health wise and financial wise. I dreamt of having my own family, the one’s I will take care of and work hard for. But I never dreamt of what is yet to come… until I was here. This place, that I thought would hone me to be a better person and better physician. I never expected the hardships and the sacrifices I will give up. I never expected that in some ways it will change my attitude. I never expected that I have to change things about me to become what I want.

I failed, I stood up, and I continue to rise… summing up what really happened this year. I knew before that it will be difficult, I’ve been warned… but it never occurred to me that it will end up like that, it got messy, uncontrollable and I failed. I repeated the subjects but the stigma of repeating it made me feel worst. The people around me made it worst. I realized my skin is not as tough as I thought.

On a different perspective, I surrendered my heart again, once again to that person. We met, we dine, and I assumed a lot. For the nth time I thought that this was it, she’s the one… again… Until I knew she has someone else. I felt ugly and humiliated. It was like slap… another failure on my list. I thought I will never recuperate. After a week or two I was hospitalized. I felt so sick and vomited for 12 hours. I was misdiagnosed. At least for a while, feeling sick made me feel good; I wasn’t thinking and feeling anything aside from dizziness and body weakness. I was numb.

There were more events I wanted to write, but it’s too personal and family related. Those events that changed me and tested me, I became moody and easily annoyed. I changed into a person that I didn’t know. I became hard and harsh to the people around me. I became hard to myself. Some of my friends were surely irritated to my sudden change. They cannot understand a thing since I do not share.

There were times I questioned myself if I really wanted this and if I really fitted here. I asked myself if all of these were worth my time and my sacrifices. I was lost. I even lost enthusiasm and got tired of being myself, cause some people think I’m okay, yet deeply I wasn’t. I was fooling everyone. I even fooled myself. That’s how twisted I got.

I resort and cope into a different world. I met other people, shared thoughts and opinions. These people really helped me recover. Blogging is my anxiety relief. And I thank most of you, for helping me. Blogging is my escape to the real world. A world I wish really existed. I was longing to talk to someone outside this reality. It’s my turn to be heard and I wanted people take time to listen and read what I wanted to say. And most of you helped me... Thank you co-bloggers!=]

After so much thinking, reflecting and praying, I reconnected to my family, I reconciled to my friends. I talked to my closest friend in high school and college. Little by little, all is well again. I’m still striving at some subjects but I guess a little more push and prayers will help.

Six months after, I met someone. I was so stupid because she’s been here for a long time and it took me a lot of time to realize that. I know we’re not yet together but at least every time I come back from school I look forward to someone. I look forward of seeing and talking to her every day. I look forward of sharing my life again and listening to hers. When I see her, I see what I want to be. I see my life in a different outlook. I can see I will be better and be more hopeful. Suddenly I can see more.

Relating to a movie that I watched, I am living in a world where if you did something wrong, you’ll be scrutinized and be mortified. And when you do something right, you don’t expect a job well done or a pat on your back, you’ll still get same treatment. What you need to do is progress and embrace changes, do not rant and whine (maybe just a little). Based from experience, when you’re put into a situation like this, just let it pass through your other ear, not letting it reach your mind and your heart. I only blame myself to the things that happened and I believe there were great reasons why it did. Also you’ll realize you have a family that supports you and loves you. And great friends which I always tell them how easy things could be if they were here.

Twenty two years had passed and I’m still here building and aiming for my dreams. Some things may have changed but the kid who’s been dreaming is still the same kid now. I may pass through a lot of tribulations but I know it’s not yet over. There’ll be more things to happen, things that will try and test me again.

To be honest, I’m really looking forward for another year as another start. Maybe this year will be better or it may be worst, I don’t know. But I am hopeful and ecstatic at the same time I’m nervous and a bit cynical. Weird huh?

This description is more than a hundred.=]

Now I’m 23 and I’m ready!

Wish me luck…

Cheers!