Rewind then Fast Forward

I was looking through our pictures awhile ago. Me and my high school friends, you see, went out last weekend. I need a time off from med books and decided to meet them after eons (just kidding, maybe yeah, a year or half, sorry ako ng busy).

“We grew up so fast” I told myself and smiled as I browsed our pictures. And then it got me thinking about relationships, our relationships… our unconventional relationships. We may not be like our batch mates; getting married, settling down, and having kids.

When we were in high school, I remember someone told me “all the good ones are taken, so hurry”. Pathetic as it may sound, admit it, having a relationship in high school, aside from having those academic achievements was essential. Maybe it’s part of fitting in or having an identity? (sorry that’s what I view life then, so don’t judge me)

But now that we’ve matured a little, we have different takes; it’s not just having relationships. It’s not just satisfying what you need, to love and be loved, cause there are different types of relationships. Unlike our batch mates having those traditional relationships, me and my friends still believe in fairytales, the unwritten type of ones though, like a princess falling in love with another princess, a prince to another, a princess torn between two prince, a prince who’s still enjoying his single life and will have a relationship when the right one comes, a princess marrying a rockstar, a princess living far away from his prince, a prince loving an eccentric princess and a prince who’s new to a new kingdom, is still learning but can finally say have a direction because of someone.

I bet to one of my friends last weekend, who among us will get married soon. And we laughed.

We have different takes, but as long as we believe into something (and that is love no matter how odd it is) and most importantly is to be happy.

image from here

It’s Time Everyone Flies.

If you will ask me 3 years ago where do I want to work or be an intern, I’ll confidently and will never think twice say “dito sa Pinas”. Of course that was 3 years ago. Three short years ago when I still don’t know what I want. Still don’t know my opportunities to work or be an intern somewhere else.

During the holidays, I talked to Nanay about my plans. And one of her statements struck me; she said “akala ko gusto mo dito magtrabaho at hindi ka aalis”. After explaining to her everything with matching tears (yeah, ako ng iyakin…) she understood now why I wanted to go there. She asked me things, like, will I ever be back here if ever? I said of course, I could train there then go back or save a lot first there then go back or have a vacation here if possible. I don’t know. Things can still change. I’ll know when I get there.

I’m currently inquiring in 3 hospitals. I’m excited and at the same time, very nervous. Who wouldn’t be? But if I’ll let this opportunity pass, I might regret one day why I didn’t even try. (Now I need your prayers for this one, sana maayos at matuloy)

Some of my friends question me why do I even want to try. That I’m more needed here. But I told them, my reasons and I hope they understood. I really hope they do.

Should I explain my reasons to all of you? I guess not. But one thing is certain; I’m doing this for myself. I’m doing this for my future... for a better future. And if that future includes you and that’s just tremendous at the same time exhilarating because it’s a dream come true.

Now, let's put these wings to test.

Waiting for My Turn

I’m tired…

But I’m not doing anything about it.

Or maybe my efforts weren’t enough.

And I know it wouldn’t come in a snap.

Or maybe we already met before.

Been on a quest but not sure what i'm exactly looking for.

I’m tired…

But what gives me hope, is that someday,

I know it will come.

She will come.

Wow, May Post

Ang weird pala ano? Dati, naiisip ko na pano kung dumating ang araw na kaming magkakapatid e magkaron ng sari-sariling pamilya. Na darating ang isang araw isa isa na kaming umalis ng bahay. May isa ngang commercial sa TV nuon na sa isang hapag kainan ng isang pamilya, habang tumatanda sila, umuunti ang nandun hanggang sa yung magulang na lang ang nasa sinaryo.

Nung isang linggo, dahil nga naman sa hirap kumita dito sa bansa natin at sa kagustuhang makaipon ng kapatid ko ay nagpaalam sya sa magulang ko na kung maari syang umalis at magtrabaho sa ibang bansa. Sa katunayan, tanggap na sya sa trabaho at iniintay na lang ang papeles nya. Nagpaalam din sa akin ang kapatid ko, at ang sabi ko nasa kanya yun, basta alagaan nya lang sarili nya. Tinanung ko sya kung anung sabi ng magulang namin. Naikwento nya na sabi ng nanay ko:

“hindi naman namin hawak ang buhay nyo, kung san kayo masaya. Parang katulad lang naman to ng dati, nung nagsisimula kami ng tatay nyo, kaming 2 lang naman nun. Sa huli kaming 2 rin ang magkasama.”

Aaminin ko nalungkot ako nung nabasa ko yun. Natahimik at napaisip ako ng sandali. San nga ba napunta yung mga panahon na magkakasama kami sa bahay, salo-salo kumakain ng agahan, tanghalian at hapunan. Na kahit kapatak lang ang nakahain, ok lang. Mga panahon na kung may family events sa bahay e kumpleto kami. Na kahit nagaaway kaming magkakaptid sa simpleng bagay, hindi nag-uusap pero sandali lang e magksaundo ulit kami.

Mas lalo kong naisip ngayon na kung san nararamdaman ko na magisa lang ako dito, at pamilya ko lang ang alam ko na masasandalan ko. Na alam ko kahit anung kagaguhan na gagawin ko e matatanggap nila ko. Na kahit may mga nagawa akong mali nuon e nagawa nila kong patawarin. Lalo ko rin naisip na, marami akong pagkukulang sa kanila. At ayokong dumating ang araw ay meron akong pagsisihan.

Sa totoo, every week, nilu-look forward ko ang paguwi sa bahay, hindi lang sa dahilan na gusto ko magpahinga, kungdi makita ko yung pamilya ko, at nagkakasabay sabay pa din kami kahit papano. Nawawala yung stress ko kapag nakikita ko sila at naririnig ang boses nila.

Alam kong alam nyo na, hindi ako maexpress na tao at yun ang isa sa gustuhin kong baguhin.

Kakaiba talaga ang nagagawa ng tag-ulan sa isang tao no? hehe

Sa mga dumadaan, salamat ulit ng madami! Babawi ako sa inyo!

I am privileged

For the past year I lost my self-confidence and sense of trust. That trust to myself that I can make difference, that all of the sacrifices and failures that I endure will soon be fruitful. I also lost that drive. It’s true that Medicine is not for the weak at heart. Most of the time, you will lose track of what’s happening outside, with your family, with your friends, even what’s happening in your country. But I guess it’s normal to ask yourself, if what you’re doing is still really what you want. And sometimes, with the help of someone, you will find the answer to that question. That still, Yes, I want to become a Physician.

I remember when I was a kid and almost half of the class would say they want to become a doctor when they grow up. Then when I stepped in high school, the number of aspiring doctors declined. Practically speaking, what would we get after spending at least four years of studying again after college then earning little after? Specialization and subspecialties will take you forever and medicine is a continuous learning process, meaning, old theories can be debunked and new approved theories should be applied.

I never felt special until yesterday and realize that I am one of the few that was given a privilege to study Medicine. Well, all who study medicine is privileged, no matter where you study; no matter if you failed a subject or two, it felt special that this opportunity was given.

I’m not showing off this to all. It’s just a wake-up call for me and I really need to look forward into something. As what they say, “the more things that is given to someone, the more we expect him to give in return”. Meaning, a Physician is placed in a pedestal wherein people look up into him and we expect more from him.

To those who continuously visits my blog. Big thanks for you! And I want to apologize if I forgot to ask how you’ve been, especially my blogger friends. I was in the verge again of closing the blog but I really needed this as an outlet.

Death in December

I’m not saying that deaths in other months is not sad, but comparing it to the month of merriment and cheer? A month of parties, exchanging gifts and celebrating with our families, death is the last thing on our minds. It’s not that I’m afraid to die. Well I am… cause I was thinking lately, my parents spent a lot for my education so I better be careful at the same time have to be prepared.

Why did I open death at this very time of the month? Well, for the past 2 days I was at home and rested and enjoying home cooked meals. Hehe. But I noticed the black banner in front of our neighbor’s gate. I immediately asked mom who’s the casualty and why. She said it was our 32 year old male neighbor, a family friend, due to heart attack. That young? A younger one that Popoy told me was a celebrity also died at his prime this month. My mom also told me that the father of our neighbor died of the same way.

I also remember my grand dad, my mom’s father… We visited him at their house when I was 7 and my mom told me to stay and sit beside my lolo who’s been bed ridden for a year (I think). My mom helped lola to prepare lunch and then 30 minutes or so, I called my mom and told her my lolo stop breathing and then all I can remember was my lola, crying beside my lolo and my mom asked me to call my dad from the farm then go directly home and call my siblings and tell them what happened. It was the 23rd of December. My relatives from US came home. We still had Noche Buena and Media Noche though. But the celebrations were simpler, no happy noises, no gifts and no fireworks too.

What I’ve been reflecting lately is that some of us are lucky to celebrate the holidays with smiles or will receive some gifts and attend lavish parties but some are tormented with loss, maybe that of a someone, financially , or maybe even a job.

This season is the best way to be thankful for all the blessing we receive also this is the season that we can share our love that even the not so showy ones can present some love not just for our families but also to our friends. Hehe. And lastly and the most important, this is the season we celebrate Christ.

Happy happy Christmas everyone!

X’s – I’ll be gone for a while!

Should I Stay or Should I Go...

I never realized the things that I’m missing while being here until last Wednesday. One of the departments in this Institution surprisingly posted a prefinal exam for us this Saturday scheduled 10am to 12nn. Yes, today. I was really pissed that I couldn’t come to my cousin’s wedding and knowing that my whole clan will be there. Also, as much as I want to come and catch up on the reception I’m thinking it will be difficult for me since I only have 3 hours sleep last night and travelling back home will not be comfortable for me since I have to ride FX, then MRT, and then a Bus. This coming Monday I will also have a short exam and one practical exam. I think it’s much better if I’ll stay. I don’t have any choice.

To be honest, I was thinking that there’s a thin chance for me to transfer school or maybe take a leave of absence and travel. I’m tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally… feels like med school is a black hole sucking every ounce of my strength. I don’t want to quit though and completely stop. I still want to pursue this career. It’s just I’m really out of focus and I’ve been too comfortable in this place. Making me feel that being a happy go lucky is just ok. Well it’s not! And I’ll miss my friends badly if I’ll go.

Maybe the lesser problem is in my school. I know I’m not in the position to bad mouth but I’m telling you, some or most institution and its administration have some issues and rumors. Some may favor some. Some may leak some and some have dirty works and give special treatments. The thing that I hated most is when an institution is just after its popularity and maintaining its status and neglecting its promise of equal treatment and both parties must benefit. I hated the fact that they will accept more and more students and if they feel you’re for discard, they will just drop you out of nowhere. Or make ways that you will more and more suffer.

I’m not saying that it’s completely their fault. I have my personal issues too. It was a 75%-25% thing. My part is the former. I'm neglecting my own responsibility. Or maybe was thinking of many things. I’m still planning to finish this semester. I don’t know what’s next then. Med school is not for the faint hearted. I proved that many times. And it’s true that once you decided to go forward to it. You should never have second thoughts. Why? Cause it’s much tougher to leave and move on. Like what i always ask you... will all these sacrifices have it's worth?

Seems like my family thinks i'm still doing okay though. hay...

So I’m sorry for the picture. I guess I won’t be able to post any. I have a nude though. Hehe! or maybe you want to see pictures of my eyebags. Hehe! But mostly I’m sorry for my inaanak. Once again I have to cancel my visit to her. Hay! Pesteng Med school walang SOCIAL LIFE! Anybody wants a trade of life even for a day? Wonder how it feels?

If He Could Just Belong

To everybody’s eyes, Rai has everything. A great life, the type that gets everything he wants and takes everything he needs. Financially stable with a very strong family business. Whether successful or not to the career he’s currently taking, for sure he will have a great fallback. But to littlest they know Rai could never find happiness he wishes he has now.

As what his grandparents told him, Rai was left with their care a few months old by his mom. The time his mom found out that his dad has a new family not so far from their town. He has few memories of his childhood, mostly things he wished he never recalled. On his 7th birthday, his mom picked him up on his Grandparents’ house to treat him but he never recalled where they went and what they do there, but he remembered the time his mom slapped him on his face for some unknown reason. When he went back to his Grandparents’ house he never shared that experience neither to anyone he knows. Also one time, he remembered when his Grandfather took him out for a treat. They went to their private beach, strolling, eating where he wants to eat. It was a great day, he told himself. Sadly the following day, his grandfather was struck with a terminal illness. Back and forth they came from the province to the city for his treatment. At the time his grandfather died, he told himself it was for the best to lessen his Grandfather’s burden. He grew up with his cousins. So the pain he felt lessened while doing normal things what kids usually do.

Despite that, with the support of his aunt from US, he was doing well with his studies. Maybe it’s also his escape from that reality he’s been trying to keep from everyone. That time he also learned that his parents have new families. He never felt more alone. One time on a PTA meeting, he has no choice but his yaya came to attend. And that continued when he reached secondary education. Some of his classmates asked him, “is that your parent?” He replied jokingly, “I hope so”. He finished his primary and secondary education with good grades. Before graduating his secondary education, his grandmother died.

When he reached Manila for his college education, he never expected how different and how hard his life could be. He was given a unit where he can live, a helper, credit cards, and was given anything he wanted and needed. But that time he realized he was doing things in return for his education. He least wanted his bachelors and his post graduate course. He has no choice that he will pursue a career his aunt wanted him to take. That he will take more years of sacrificing. He wanted to stop studying but his aunt who supports him never wanted him too. He wanted to travel and see what life is outside.

One time he received a call from his mom, asking him how he’s been. He said he’s ok. His mom told him how lucky he is living a very good life. He wished he could answer back and tells his mom how wrong she is and how he wished he was part of her second family. The one his mom is taking good care of now. His dad once took him for a vacation along with his dad’s second family. He strolled by himself and showed no trace of enjoyment on his face. But still, he never wanted to disappoint his dad, so he has to show he’s happy. In spite of the hate he feels, he never wished terrible things to happen to his parents. He even instituted a good relationship with his half brothers and sisters. He just wished he has a real family to come home to and a family that will accept him.

Rai wanted to be surrounded by his friends. He wanted their company and he wanted to fit in. Some may misinterpret him. Some even questioned his sexuality. He was straightforward to his friends and will even give anything what his friends wanted and will not mind what’s left for him. He listens to his friends’ rants and problems but he never shared what he really felt. He is indeed a good friend maybe more of a great friend. He once told a friend how jealous he is that his friend has a family to come home to every weekend and in spite of having a few, their family has a strong and great bond.

Now that everything seems so blurry to him. The insurmountable pressure he felt for his education. The pressure his aunt is giving him, the peer pressure he’s going through and the sense of wanted to belong to a family. He had thought of taking his life. He wished he could describe what a family is. He wished he could say he finally belongs.

A Click Away From Deleting

Currently Listening to: With a Smile - Eraserheads

Some say you will know how when you are in a peak of something and succeeding into something. Career wise, it could be time when you start having troubles at home. It can be the time when you have troubles with your special someone. Or it can be neglecting some responsibilities you used to do.

In this blog, I never mind sharing my thoughts to some because from the very start I told you how I wish someone could hear my voice. There are some persons that have a habit of being a good listener but having troubles communicating and sharing when it’s his turn. I have few good friends whom I can console but being the semi-anonymous blogger that I am I can totally express thru writing what I think and really feel.

I have to admit, there were times that I thought blogging was a responsibility for me, that I must write something whether it’s sensible or not. That I was afraid if what will I post will please someone or will it disappoint some. There were times that writing could be easy as a breeze and mostly it’s due to sudden gush of emotions. There were times that you would stare blankly in your lappie and ask yourself… what to write?

The past few weeks, I thought that my blogging is currently taking its toll on me. I’m not saying that I view it as a burden nor negatively. But I’ve been neglecting some important things that I really must concentrate into. I’m happy that I’m doing so well in my studies. And for now all I wanted to do is to maintain what I have. I hope I don’t put much pressure when I write and post so I can enjoy both. I’m glad some of you were supportive and some of you were still here.

Will I totally leave blogging?

No…

Not now.

Maybe it’s just because of the weather…

Exhausted perhaps?

Hindi rin… Wala lang akong ilaw dito sa dorm… bukas pa raw kasi gagawin =p

A Short Post

If you’re not a Potter fan, a time turner is a device in a form of an hourglass in a necklace that can help you time travel. The number of turns you make to it corresponds to the number of hours you want to go back in time.

Weird as it may sound, I am desperately in need of one.

How many turns will I make? I don’t know.

Will I be able to correct the mistakes I made? I hope so.

Will that satisfy me and lessen my regrets?

As a consequence with the use of a time turner, you must not see yourself. You will be confused and out of sanity you might hurt yourself. The earlier part of you or the one you go back to will be confused as hell what the future you is doing there.

Is it worth the risk to correct what is wrong?

How can you tell or warn yourself to not do things if you are not allowed to see or talk to yourself?

Will it make a difference?

Sorry... I am not making any sense now...

TOXIC!

For the past week, I never really had anything to post.

Maybe I was thinking a lot of things and ideas to write but it was vague for me as I went through it. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense or maybe it does that I don’t want to share it. Yes, a lot of things bother me lately. Personal issues I want to solve as soon as possible. I don’t want it to become bigger as my exams are few weeks approaching. To be exact, I have 3 more weeks.

Do you also have a Last name that starts with the letter “A”? It sucks right?! First to do a report, first to have practical demonstration, first to be called in your case presentation, to be assigned in a terror professor, and it sucks big time if you’re first to be called in the attendance list and since they held you a little longer earlier before lunch you have to cut your meal shorter and if you missed your name being called you’re late. Did I tell you they come earlier than 1pm?

It’s been a week and I’m already whining! I already finished my first report in one of my subjects. Sadly I over prepared and was only asked few questions, they say it’s good to expect the worst so it’s ok for me. I also prepared that night my CPC, a case presentation. I have my other report next Monday for one of my subjects. Every week we have a Shifting or Plating exams every Monday, Tuesday and Friday Lunch time. I have piles of books to read as well. Hay! I complain too much but soon it occurred to me I still have time to blog. Hehehe!

What really took my attention is my own diet. I don’t eat rice and people were so shocked to see that. What I don’t like is when you were eating a lot and gaining a lot they say things, when you go on a diet they say MORE things. It’s hard when you have a Ping-Pong weight. But I realize I’m not doing this for them. I’m not doing this to be liked or to please them. But what I need is some motivation and encouragement. This applies not only on dieting but if you were in a situation that people sees you negatively if you’re making a choice or thorn between two situations. Just do what you think is good for you.

And to you, I know you’re busier than me. We have different schedules, different subjects and on a different year. As much as I want to say this personally but I can’t. Maybe it’s just me…

And That’s All There Is

After 54 days, 2 fictional books, 1 pathology book, 68 hours of exercise, 2 apple/mango shakes per week, 6 weeks of no rice, 3 weeks of no load, 16 hours per day of internet and 16 blog posts, my summer vacation is officially over.

I would like to thank my parents for paying our escalating electric bill for April and May (after I move back to the dorm for sure it will drop to 45%). I would also like to thank the component for playing my favorite music 24/7. Also I thank Globe Internet services though I’m registered in QC, I can bring the connection here in Cavite and also even if I still have my unpaid balance, it still works! Ang lakas ko tlaga sa Globe! Thank you for my dogs for setting my mood everyday and taking my stress away. (parang nanalo ako ng award ah!)

On a serious note, I thank you bloggers for making my vacation way better than last year. Even though I wasn’t able to spend outside the house this year, it was worth the stay. I really appreciate the times that we talk (teka kuha ako ng tissue) mostly listening to your stories and opinions.

Though I will blog less for 6 months, I will make sure I will pay a visit to your blog and I’ll make it up to you. It’s all about time management=]

I want to share the time table I made last night pero I changed my mind. Baka some of you will say how OC I am. Hehe

So wish me luck this semester and I hope to talk and hopefully SEE some of you=]

My Days Are Numbered

I only have 10 days left starting today. Another 10 months of less sleep, thousands of pages of books to read, gallons of coffee to drink, countless sheets of papers and patient’s history to pass and pens that I will lose, and tears that I will save for the end of each semester.

Unlike before I am less excited and that’s the sad truth. Why? I am not sure… you see I really want this. I cannot give up on this. For the last two months of staying inside the house I filled my thoughts with optimism. I am optimistic, sadly not that enthusiastic.

But I can say that I enjoyed my last two months. Talking to some of the co-bloggers, getting their opinions and making new friends were a great summer get away for me, way much better than a trip in Boracay. Though I know my mom will kill me due to our escalating bills. Hehehe!

I was back and forth to my dorm last week because I have to clean my room and check what I lack to make my stay there more comfortable. While cleaning, I paused for a while and looked at some pictures that I posted on my wall. I smiled a little, we were complete then.

10 more days to go; 10 days of online time, chatting and blogging left. What I really wanted to say is I’ll be spending little time here soon. If I really wanted to become what I really want then I have to make a choice. But that doesn’t mean I will neglect this blog and will not visit yours. It may not be as often but I promise I’ll do it every chance I will get.

To be honest it will be a challenge for me. I have to admit having my own lappie and internet was one of the wrong decisions I made so far. It really interrupted my studies and my concentration. But the risk was worth it. I learned a lot from you and most importantly I learned and accepted my mistakes and failures. I was still thinking of not bringing the lappie with me in my dorm but I realized it’s not what I needed to do. I need to have self control.

.........................................................

By the way, I watched Sex and the City last Friday. I was asked for the nth time if it’s worth the watch. I can’t say a thing aside from that the movie is made for the people who watched the series. It’s more of a closure to the character’s lives. I like Samantha. She’s so my Cougar! Hahaha!

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are” - Carrie Bradshaw

“That's the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. It's true of the fall lines, and it's true of relationships.” – Enid (Carrie’s Vogue Editor in Chief)

You Can’t Have It All

Sorry to say if my recent posts are more of waning and ranting and yeah mostly things that bother me. I hope this is just a phase but it seems like these things are happening to me unexpectedly and continuously. And every time it happens I sink into concentration and reflect what dreadful things I did earlier. I just can’t think of any…

After 3 days of going back and forth, finally I finished my enrollment! (Yippee!) All and all, it took me 10 hours of travelling, 7 hours of waiting for THAT second year coordinator, 6 subjects, 21 units, and most of my allowance. Guess how many hours did I really spent in settling my enrollment? 1 ½ hours!!! Ahahay!!!

Good thing I’m with my soon to be classmates and I really enjoyed talking to them. I’m not even familiar to some, but they made the whole situation easier and enjoyable. We even made a funny story about the coordinator why he’s not around. And most of the people next in line to us were laughing.=] I chose my subjects really cautiously because I want to concentrate on that back subject and give my 101% effort. If ever something goes wrong again. At least I know I gave it a shot.

I asked my mom if the family driver could bring the tuition fee since I came from my dorm today. But she insisted to come. That’s not really a problem for me. At least I know it will come safely. Let’s all admit we did the “kickback” thing. I do admit I did but my parents knew I was doing it so they add at least 9% of my tuition. But I can’t believe some of the stories I heard. I know their parents are rich or earns above average but I can’t have a kickback of at least 40T. That’s just wrong for me. I dunno to some of you but, what will they do to that money? Shop? What a joke! I know their parents are doctors but why do that? What will you do with that?

Since I have my 9% I did visit MOA after enrollment. Hehe.

I bought my necessities, (new undies, wanna see?) hehe. My toiletries needs some filling up and some things for the dorm. I also had my hair cut. My biggest frustration when losing weight, (yes I did, a few lbs!) is buying a shirt. I’ve been visiting some of the shops and funny thing or frustrating, is that I don’t know my real size. Is there a size for someone who’s losing some weight? What category do I fall into? It’s either one size is a bit tight on one part or the other size is lose on one part. Exactly, nothing really fits…

As this day end, I have a thought, the guts of showing my face in the school premises, enrolling myself and showing no signs of stopping really made me feel strong. I know some talks behind my back and some do not believe that I may not be able. But this semester is just starting and my optimism at its height.

My-So-Called “Not My Day”

I went out and decided to enjoy the sunshine! Nahhh! In fact I’ve been inside the house for a week. Why do I need to go out if the goodies are here inside my room? A lappie, a net connection, tv, I could not ask for more! Besides I have nothing to spend. Hehehe. (hirap tlaga maging bum kaya hobo chic lang lagi suot ko dito. Hindi hubo ha! hehehe) But I decided I have to deal with my enrollment before deadline comes.

I planned to go around 6am. But I was too lazy to get up so I woke up around 7am and by 8 am I was on road. It was ok for me to stand in a bus even if it’s for an hour (from my home to Baclaran). But what I don’t really like are busses that stops everywhere it wants to stop and picks up some poor passengers that will later join me standing up. And what I really hated are passengers that are too selfish and have no concern to co-passengers, some even have FRESH scent in the morning, literally! I also hated the “kundoktor” who will push you or boss you to move from the place you found comfortable standing. What’s worst? A price hike in your fare… from P35 to P44! I know… I should have taken the FX ride than the bus. Since I haven’t been out, I was pretty clueless!

After an hour and a half on that joyride, I decided to light some candles in Baclaran Church and say some prayers. I asked for a better day…

I arrived in my school around 10:30am I was in a hurry. As I enter the premises, the guard called me and asked what I will do inside. I told him I have to settle my enrollment and then he started his sermon about me not wearing my uniform and not having my haircut… I was furious that moment. And I told him I came from afar and I hoped he texted every student that a complete uniform is required upon enrollment. He allowed me to enter, I dashed inside, gave him a second look and rewarded him a mid finger flip! Bad ced! Bad! Tsk!

I immediately took 2 flights up and headed to the coordinator’s office for second year students. Sadly, he’s not there! He’s on a meeting and will take the whole day for that. Karma much??? Arggghhhh!!!

So I decided to see my friends who’re having their classes. Yes, 3rd year students started their classes last fourth week of April. I was really excited to see them. I only texted one and asked him where his room is. He’s my buddy in school. And later, one by one some of my closest friends came out. (lukso ng dugo?) hahaha! There was a lot of catching up and lots of question and answer portion. We talked about our postponed plans of having an outing here in Cavite. They asked me what my plans are. They talked of how’s 3rd year life. For a while I was kind of jealous, I was supposed to be with them, having my classes too and so. Thrice I felt I was out of place, I can’t relate to what they were talking about. A doctor/assistant dean made a tour around and suddenly all of them were out of my sight. No goodbyes' and see yah's. I was left alone at the corridor. What a defining moment for me. I have nowhere to go. But seeing them happy and having a great time talking to them was ok for me. It was worth the visit. I decided to come home.

Before, I was asked what my regrets were. I don’t have a definite answer then... But now, it’s clear what will I say if someone will ask me again…

Mata...

Sa larawan ko lang na ito napansin na malungkot ang mata ko. Di ko siguro binibigayang pansin ang tunay kong nararamdaman. Binabalewala lamang ang tunay kong saloobin. Sa labas nga naman, ako ang tipong di mo mapapansing may iniisip na malalim. Palabiro kasi ako sa aking mga kaibigan. Kung wala namang ginagawa o kinakausap, tahimik lang ako sa isang sulok. Nakatunganga sa kawalan.


Bakit nga ba ako malungkot? Matagal na rin akong nag-iisa, yung single ba.. Di ko na sasabihin kung kelan yung huli. Pero yung huling dalag na aking dinidiga ay may syota na pala. Oo, napagsabay nya kami. Ang saya ano? Matagal na walang nakakausap sa akin noon. Dinibdib ko iyon ng labis. Nadala pa ata ako sa ospital makaraan ang isang lingo kasabay na rin sa labis na pagod sa eskwela.


Naramdaman mo na ba na umuwi ka sa iyong bahay, pumasok ng kwarto at sumagi sa isipan mo… Eto na naman ako, magisa sa kwarto na to. Ni walang magtatnong kung “kamusta ang araw mo”, wala yung tao na yayaya sa iyo na “kain na tayo”, wala yung tao na magsasabi sa iyo na “OK lng iyon, makakabawi ka rin”. Mga katagang masambit lamang ng espesyal na taong iyon, mawawala na lahat ng pagod sa katawan mo.


Kasalanan ko rin naman, masyado kasi akong nagiging pihikan. Minsan, di ko mapigilan ikumpara sa aking nakaraan. Alam ko naman mali iyon. Pero minsan, di ko iyon mapigilan.


Naisip ko rin, na sana, kung darating sya. Sya na yung taong magiging katapat ko. Yung taong nilaan para talaga sa akin. Sya na magpapatino sa akin at magiging rason bakit ako narito. Sya, na papawi ng kalungkutan sa mga matang ito.

Bloody Thursday

Early this morning, I was so enthusiastic of going to school. Aside from that my class is one of my favorite subjects (I took this one from my bachelor’s degree, so it will be a review for me!) and I’ll be with my former section. Not showing-off, but when I was on my Internship at VMMC (veterans) we were trained to be good in venipuncture (blood specimen collection from veins). You will never finish your internship without being superb in venipuncture.

I experienced using flashlight while doing it.

I experienced being threatened by a saliva spitting patient while doin’ it.

I experienced being cursed by an Ilocana while doing it.

I experienced a retired officer doing hand salute while doing it.

I experienced being kicked by a kid in the crotch (cause he was on tantrums) while doing it

I even experienced collecting blood samples in the hand, wrist, leg and foot veins aside from the preferable site which is the forearm. Because we have this rule in the Laboratory that, “you can’t get back from wading without any blood sample”

I experienced collecting blood from the artery. (I’m such a bad boy! hehe)

I even tried to collect blood from myself. (adik!hehe)

Those were the ruthless times I had to go through. I have to admit I made mistakes; some missed shots or sadly did not collect any blood so I have to endorse it to the attending physician.

Midway today, I felt I was the one being extracted. All the eagerness was little by little withdrawn out of my system. Just like the procedure, it felt like I was tightly tied by a tourniquet. As the day goes, it felt like I’m punctured torturously by a needle. Again I was feeling sad.

I enrolled this subject thinking it will be ok and it’ll be a breeze, that it would be easier since it will become a review for me. But little by little, I really felt that I don’t belong. I know, it’s only 3 weeks and it’s not right to make sense out of this. But the feeling of being left out is gradually creeping into me. It’s so palpable, just like the vein you need in venipuncture.

I keep on thinking that it’s just me. I separate myself from them, creating my own little world, separating with my misery and the thought that I don’t fit in.

And just like a missed venipuncture, I hope it will not make a mark, a superficial mark that obviously bleeds deep inside.

X’s – this was last Thursday and just made scratch on my notes. Hehe. I’m ok now, it’s just a mild attack of my misery.=)

- image from flicker

Sunset

As days passed by, it felt like more emptier. I don’t know what’s the reason, but I have a hunch. As you all now by now, I failed some subjects last semester. I have this feeling that some people talks behind my back. I don’t really give a damn. But, I am ashamed of it. That I am ashamed for myself that I did not do well. I am ashamed that I wasted money for my tuition fee. I am ashamed of the time that I took for granted. I am ashamed that I now lost some great company.

My type is now termed as “International” (parang artist! hehe). I took some advance subjects for the second semester and sadly I have to take them in different sections with the “regulars”. You know the feeling when people look at you when you enter their class? I felt that twice last week and who knows how many this week. They have the look that says “what u doin here?, you don’t belong here!”. We can neglect that situation but still when I come home and do some reflection, I ask myself why?

At least, I was expecting that I’ll be with my friends, who were irregulars since last year. I was really looking forward for that. They have this noncompetitive attitude and I just feel so at home with them. They will never make you feel you’re left out. They are still like that, but they have new other companies as well. They changed a bit and I really find it hard to ride on their daily splurging. I used to be like that and I know I splurge but that happens once a month or once in every two months. And the ones I was with last semester, I know they’re very busy now, I can’t even asked them to take lunch with me nor asked them how are they doing?

Now I bury myself in my books and in my laptop. Maybe the reason I entered the blogging world is finding that place where I can say what I want and express myself. A place where I can meet people who’re physically absent but will make me feel that I belong. A place where I don’t feel empty and do not feel ashamed when I enter.

As I finish this entry I realized that, I have to move forward now. I have to step on that failure and use it to view my horizon and not to put in my head. I need to accept that some things had changed and to accept that I change as well. I must not care to what others, especially those who have no role in my life, on what the hell will they say. I have to be thankful to the new found friends here in the bloggsphere for bearing with my dramatic entries. Seryoso, Salamat mga pareko!

A Man’s Right to Splurge!

It’s six past ten in the evening, both my leg muscles are so painful, if they can shout D*mn You!!!, they will. Yeah, I’ve been strolling and window shopping today. After waiting for so long for our turn to the lady in the registrar we decided that we had enough and its time to spend! Every enrollment my parents knew I had some kickbacks from it. So they add some cash for my tuition on purpose. I used to trick my parents and add “some” for my tuition before but now that my fee is twice than before I’m so guilty and my conscience can’t bear it. I’m glad they still give me extra though. =) Chad and I hailed a cab to Trinoma.

I had my (yes!?!) first facial. When the lady on scrubs asked me “when was the last time I had a facial?”. At first, I was thinking of lying to her, but like a word vomit I end up saying “my face is still a virgin!”. Hehehe. For a first timer, have to say I enjoyed it and was relaxed except for the pricking part. I thought I can tolerate the pain coz’ I had 2 minor operations and 4 wound sutures but that part made me cry. Hehe. (things we do for vanity nga naman!). The process took us 2 hrs and I give 4 out of 5 stars on that clinic. As of now, I still can’t wash my face. Arrrgghh!!!

I was looking for good black shoes for my uniform and we ended up in Landmark. We literally checked every shoe in every stall. It’s quite irritating actually when all the salesperson follows you and been attending you. I saw 3 good pairs and plans to go back there tomorrow.

I was also looking for a purple polo shirt. I saw a very pricey but looks actually good one in Giordano. It’s plain but it goes well with my other pants. So, I’ll see that one on my cabinet tom! Hehe

Now all that strolling made us sooooooo hungry, we actually ate trice. For our dinner, we ate at WorldChicken and I ordered pesto cream and cheese muffin with chicken fillet and Chad had an asian pasta and macaroni salad with the chicken. We then have a frap and cinnamon rolls at you-know-where! And I had a quezo scoop on Pinoy Sorbetes. Yuuummm!

I think I need a haircut and go back for those goodies at Trinoma. So, do you want to see me? I’ll be there at around four pm! Hehe. No kidding. I’ll be there.

Do I sound like a show-off or what? Well, to be honest, I was doing all of that to set my mind off on what’s going ahead of me. I’m going back to school this Wednesday. I remember this excerpt btw. “We are reviewed everyday. Most of people criticize someone even miles away from them and all of us do it, we judge and we get judged. But in the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what do they say and have to say about us, what really matters is the review we gave to ourselves.”

Revisiting a Graveyard…

Today I visited my Lolo’s grave. I know it’s a bit late, but I made this tradition of visiting the dead a day after, I started 2 years ago. Not trying to be a kill-joy here but aside from the cramped cemetery, the noise, and dating-scenario some people/teens are doing there, I decided to make a change. Wow, I sound like an old man, eh!

Seriously, I took advantage of the silence the place offered me. I lit a candle prayed and I talked to him like he was still here. First, I told him, “thank you”. I told him I am thankful that he gave me a dad who understands and even though we’re not that close, he knows what I’m going through, and that’s enough for me. And then I said “I’m sorry” that I failed, that I gave it a shot, that I tried. That I’m trying to be strong, that I’m not really afraid of what will happen if I fail and that I’m more afraid of failure itself.

I told him I made two great friends the past semester. One is been there since first year. The one who’s with me all the time when I shitted on all the things I did. That reminded me always that I will make it through, that I can stand up and dusk them off. That told me when I was broken into pieces that someone out there will soon pick them up for me, a piece of me as a lost puzzle, more genuine and more interesting, the one who will complete me. I told my Lolo that this friend is like a brother to me and will always have my infinite respect, as a friend and as a person who stands on what he believes.

The other one, is the one I didn’t expected to get along with. She’s “masungit” and all, but I saw her true self as time goes. She’s the type that you will defend when she’s bullied, a lil’ sister I never had. If you’re not close to her, and you tease her, it will backfire to you. But if you’re close to her and you tease her, she rather hurts herself, making scratches on her forearm. I know she cares for me and I really appreciate all the times we’re together. I told my Lolo of how she got through an accident and how she surpassed the trauma and pain it caused her.

I guess I never said thanks to both of them. I was not able to say sorry as well. And that they are one of the few reasons why did I still go to school at that time. I never told them of how much I will miss them both, that I will not be able to cook them pasta or share my peanutbutter-jello sandwich. I hope I made a mark on them as well and say that they made a difference on my perspective.

I also told my Lolo the condition of my family. The great incoming wedding, my sister working abroad and that she’s praying for him as well, my other brother who’s doing great, my 3 Labrador pups, my mom’s incoming retirement, my dad being hard-headed to have his bimonthly checkup and my-so-called quest.

I didn’t notice how time goes and how fast the candle melted, and its getting dark soon. I bid my farewell to my Lolo and told him I will see him on his birthday. I prayed again and as I set foot off the cemetery, I felt light inside and it was a release…